Good Man

One of the many things that I admire about Mark is his kindness and compassion. I will never forget the day we went downtown to celebrate our anniversary last August.  We were walking around downtown Toronto, killing time before our couples' massage. We were talking, rounding the corner near the Hockey Hall of Fame, when he stopped suddenly and turned to a woman walking beside him.  He asked her if she needed help.  She was carrying bags of groceries and she was accompanied by her two sons, one of whom had an arm in a cast.  She said she was fine but Mark told her that he had noticed her struggling for a block. He took her grocery bags from her and she revealed that she was lost and looking for her hotel.  While I tried to help her figure out how far away her hotel was, Mark hailed a cab, asked the cab driver how much it would cost to get to the location that this woman was trying to get to and then handed the cab driver a $20 bill. This woman was shocked and protested but Mark insisted and placed her bags of groceries into the cab.  She gave Mark a hug and thanked him.The cab driver told me that I had a good man and I told him that I knew that I did. 

I cannot express how much I admired him at that point, how proud I was of him and how amazed I was that I was with someone like him.  I thought I knew everything there was to know about him and yet he still surprised me!  It made me realize how good of a man Mark really is. He noticed this woman struggling amongst a crowd of pedestrians, and he helped in a way that most people would not even consider doing. Most people nowadays are so wrapped up in their own world that they fail to see the struggles of others, especially strangers walking among them.  But Mark noticed and took action.

He is truly an amazing, kind and compassionate person.  And my love for him grew exponentially that day.

Second chances

After everything I have been through in my life, particularly in the past 14 years, I had learned to accept that I would remain a single woman for the rest of my life.  While I am not celebrating the end of my marriage (or the events and  years leading up to it), I can honestly say that I am a happier person after everything.  I will never regret my marriage, for it produced two very special little girls who, I believe, have a purpose on this earth.  This world is a better and brighter place because these two little girls are in it and I know they will only grow into more beautiful, productive and godly women.

For three years after my separation, I learned to accept and love myself.  I have grown into the woman that I always wanted to be.  I am happy and content with who I am, what I have and who I share my life with.  It was with great surprise that I met someone who has made me believe that true love and romance do exist. I was not expecting to meet the love of my life in my 40s, but I did.  He is a wonderful, caring, wickedly funny, intelligent, kind, sweet and loving man.  He believes in God and it was our shared belief that brought us together.

There are days when I sit in awe at how much God has blessed me.  I am engaged in the profession that I set my mind on when I was 9 years old.  I am doing well, learning so much about the law every day, and working with a group of excellent lawyers.  I have friends and family who love me and who have been there for me during my darkest moments.  I have two beautiful, intelligent, sweet and funny little girls. And, now, God has blessed me with a man who not only tells me he loves me every day but who shows it in so many little ways, every single day.

I am so grateful for the second chance at love and, this time around, I can say that there is no doubt in my mind that this man is right for me.  For the first time in my life, I feel truly loved and I love this man, without restrictions.  From the outset, my instincts told me that this was "right" and, every day, I feel my love growing deeper, into depths that I have never known before.

Thank you, God, for you have blessed me with so much love.  I have so much to be grateful for and I will never doubt that God is with me and that He loves me.

Fully human

Over the past couple of months, I have been emotionally and mentally drained.  The demands of work, and a broken heart, have worked together to burn me out.  I long to travel to a faraway place where no one can reach me, a place where I could recharge my batteries without being reminded of the things I am trying to temporarily forget.

I recently spent a day in isolation at a lovely spa and hotel. I desperately needed time to be alone, in silence, to contemplate my life and to quiet my mind.  I soaked in the tub, ordered room service and allowed my mind to wander to the things I had tried to avoid thinking about.  I cried, grieved, got angry but, eventually, felt at peace.  I realized that I wisely allow only a few people into my mind and heart. I realized that, when I do allow a person into my heart, I love unconditionally and almost without limits.  For a time, after the worst heartache I ever suffered (with the demise of my marriage), I longed to feel nothing.  I wished I had no feelings, a human with a robot heart. I longed to be numb because I felt that I could no longer bear the pain of heart break. 

But when you have an open heart and an open mind (even to the very few you let in), you leave yourself vulnerable. You risk suffering a tremendous amount of pain at the hands of those you love when you love so unconditionally and with few limits. And as I sat there, my mind finally helping my heart understand what it needs to learn, I finally accepted myself for what I am. I am finally okay with being that person. And I willingly accept all the consequences that come with being a person who loves too much. I want to remain open to all that it entails, to lick clean every figurative plate of every dish that this life has to offer. And when my scarred, bruised and fragile heart beats its last, I will know that it felt every emotion that a human heart can experience, from euphoria and elation to devastation and utter despair.  I no longer want to be a robot, numb and dead inside.  I want to live and die fully human.

My poems

Invisible

I cower in the dark
Alone
I scream
But no one hears me
They just walk on by
Can't look me in the eye
My cries are drowned out
by their laughter
Just walk
Over me
Around me
Don't look down
My pain
Intensified
By their indifference
Am I
Invisible?
Or Are They
Blind?
-M.P. '91-

Untitled

Love half-guessed my sincere intentions
And veiled my awkward nakedness
Contemplation marred by fears muted
Now rage unabated,
My soul can no longer contain.
I trembled with a passion
You elicited with one touch
Warmth of sweet breathe
Like a rose caressing
Virgin skin.
But love reclaimed what I could not purchase,
It refused what my desires tried.
Once the spirit that moved the immovable
And illuminated where only darkness trod,
Became a dagger that scarred
A life which, for death, yearned and cried.
Passion resurrected
That which for birth a-waited,
Tortured one whose life,
By Chance, denied.
Love revealed its dual existence,
Creator and destroyer both.
With a hesitance that only pain can wrought,
Reflection precedes unveiling,
Searching for love's vision, blind,
For petal-soft lips to heal
The scars that fear's sheer robe cannot hide.
 -M.P. Oct. '95-

Sinner's Demise

Enveloped in this hazy, dazed confusion
Attempting to incise the daydreams, the illusions
The fantasies that detrimental to my life exist
Succumbing to temptations I can no longer resist
Inhibitions laid low
I slowly let go
Of all childhood lessons not fully learned
Dancing towards hell's fire, wanting to be burned
Feigning deafness to angelic whispers
Reserved for immoral spirits and impenitent sinners
Raising a trembling hand to my eyes
To block my vision of the sinner's demise.
-M.P. Jan. '96-

"A friend told me to be honest with you, so here it goes. This isn't what I want, but I'll take the high road. Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson, or because I don't want to walk around angry. Or maybe it's because I finally understand: there are things we don't want to happen but have to accept; things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."

- Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Criminal Minds

As I fall asleep

There are moments of quiet stillness
When things come into perspective
Clarity sharpens at the specific moment
Between reality and dreams
When conscious gives way to the unconscious
That quiet moment when you feel your body settle and rise
Simultaneously
Truth flutters closer
A whisper from a butterfly’s wings
No longer elusive
No longer shy
And in a spark, Truth reveals herself
Beautiful
Simple
Clean
And just as quickly, retreats
Ushering in the darkness of sleep
Of dreams that erase your memory of her
And you forget the moment
When Truth walked in

 

-Margie 2014

Message to a Friend

Dear Friend:

You are in my prayers.

Some words of wisdom to help you:

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.” 
- Viktor Frankl, "Man's Search for Meaning"

"And as for you, brothers, never tire of doing what is right."

-2 Thessalonians 3:13

A wise woman once said.......

"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."

- Maya Angelou (1928 - 2014)