Fully human
Over the past couple of months, I have been emotionally and mentally drained. The demands of work, and a broken heart, have worked together to burn me out. I long to travel to a faraway place where no one can reach me, a place where I could recharge my batteries without being reminded of the things I am trying to temporarily forget.
I recently spent a day in isolation at a lovely spa and hotel. I desperately needed time to be alone, in silence, to contemplate my life and to quiet my mind. I soaked in the tub, ordered room service and allowed my mind to wander to the things I had tried to avoid thinking about. I cried, grieved, got angry but, eventually, felt at peace. I realized that I wisely allow only a few people into my mind and heart. I realized that, when I do allow a person into my heart, I love unconditionally and almost without limits. For a time, after the worst heartache I ever suffered (with the demise of my marriage), I longed to feel nothing. I wished I had no feelings, a human with a robot heart. I longed to be numb because I felt that I could no longer bear the pain of heart break.
But when you have an open heart and an open mind (even to the very few you let in), you leave yourself vulnerable. You risk suffering a tremendous amount of pain at the hands of those you love when you love so unconditionally and with few limits. And as I sat there, my mind finally helping my heart understand what it needs to learn, I finally accepted myself for what I am. I am finally okay with being that person. And I willingly accept all the consequences that come with being a person who loves too much. I want to remain open to all that it entails, to lick clean every figurative plate of every dish that this life has to offer. And when my scarred, bruised and fragile heart beats its last, I will know that it felt every emotion that a human heart can experience, from euphoria and elation to devastation and utter despair. I no longer want to be a robot, numb and dead inside. I want to live and die fully human.
I recently spent a day in isolation at a lovely spa and hotel. I desperately needed time to be alone, in silence, to contemplate my life and to quiet my mind. I soaked in the tub, ordered room service and allowed my mind to wander to the things I had tried to avoid thinking about. I cried, grieved, got angry but, eventually, felt at peace. I realized that I wisely allow only a few people into my mind and heart. I realized that, when I do allow a person into my heart, I love unconditionally and almost without limits. For a time, after the worst heartache I ever suffered (with the demise of my marriage), I longed to feel nothing. I wished I had no feelings, a human with a robot heart. I longed to be numb because I felt that I could no longer bear the pain of heart break.
But when you have an open heart and an open mind (even to the very few you let in), you leave yourself vulnerable. You risk suffering a tremendous amount of pain at the hands of those you love when you love so unconditionally and with few limits. And as I sat there, my mind finally helping my heart understand what it needs to learn, I finally accepted myself for what I am. I am finally okay with being that person. And I willingly accept all the consequences that come with being a person who loves too much. I want to remain open to all that it entails, to lick clean every figurative plate of every dish that this life has to offer. And when my scarred, bruised and fragile heart beats its last, I will know that it felt every emotion that a human heart can experience, from euphoria and elation to devastation and utter despair. I no longer want to be a robot, numb and dead inside. I want to live and die fully human.
posted by Margie at 10:41 PM
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