Saying Good-bye

Today was Makayla's last day at daycare. Her daycare provider, L, half-jokingly told my husband and I to leave as we had arrived two hours early to pick her up. L had known for the past two months that today would be Makayla's last day. And with each passing week, she would bemoan the fact that we were "taking Makayla away" from her.

After the pictures were taken, and the hugs given out, I noticed that L's eyes were a little red. Had she been crying? I didn't feel comfortable enough to ask her but I could not help but notice that she did look genuinely sad.

Makayla's last day at daycare made me realize that we were really on our way towards leaving Boston for Canada, the first step from mere planning to action. It has set the timer running as we rush to tie up many loose ends. It was the first of many good-byes we will need to say before we leave the place we have called home for the past 5 years.

In many ways, Boston will continue to occupy a very special place in my heart, no matter where we finally settled down in the future. After all, it is where where my husband and I first settled down as a married couple; where our daughter was born; where I became an American citizen; and where I have met many wonderful, caring people whom I will not soon forget. The long, painful process of saying good-bye to Boston has begun but the good-bye will definitely not be a forever one.

Girl Talk: Part 2

Mom: How was daycare today? Did you see Sara and Adam?
Makayla: Adam mean.
Mom: Why?
Makayla: Adam kick me. (She proceeds to demonstrate, kicking the air.)
Mom: Well, that wasn't nice. What did Makayla do?
Makayla: Makayla kick too.

Hands

When she was born, the first thing I did was count my daughter's fingers. I remember looking at her tiny hands, counting each little digit, and being in awe of God's power to create life.

Nowadays, I love to feel her grasp my hand as we walk together. She can only grasp two fingers now but I know those fingers will elongate and those palms will grow wider. These same little hands will some day learn to write, pet the cat with a lighter hand, and, hopefully, play a musical instrument. They'll grow stronger and learn to grasp a baseball or hockey stick, to cook and clean, and to comfort or congratulate a friend. And, when my daughter goes off to college, I know those hands will someday wave good-bye.

So for now, I'll cherish each moment she grasps two of my fingers and says, "Let's run!" I'll drink in every moment she places a hand on mine as we read a book or watch TV. I'll burn into memory every time she places her hands on my cheeks and smiles.

I'll hold on to those pudgy little fingers and those dimpled hands for as long as she'll let me. Sadly, I know, it won't be long enough for me.

A Wise Man Once Said....

Dreams and Dream Interpretation

I have had three dreams where I am either waiting for a flight at an airport or sitting in the plane, waiting for it to take off. In the first two dreams, I am with my husband and our daughter is nowhere in sight. In the last dream, I am alone, having been separated from my husband and daughter, both of whom have taken earlier flights. In all these dreams, I know that the plane I have boarded or about to board is going to crash. I am crying and afraid yet I am powerless to take myself out of the situation. I feel I have no other choice but to take the flight.

Last night, I had the last in these series of dreams and I began to wonder what these dreams really mean. Online, I found this:

To dream that a plane crashes, signifies that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself and are in danger of having it come crashing down. Alternatively, your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt toward the goals you have set for yourself is represented by the crashing airplane; you do not believe in your ability to attain those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified.

To see a busy airport in your dream, signifies the desire for freedom, high ideals, ambition, and hopes. It is an indication that you are approaching a new departure in your life. Some new idea is taking off or is ready to take off. You may be experiencing a new relationship, new career path or new adventure.

With our move to Canada a little over a month away, I now know the meaning behind these dreams. We are embarking on a new life. My husband and I are starting over again. As for me, I will finally have to face my fear of failure: my fear of failing miserably as a lawyer. I don't think I have "set overly high and unrealistic goals" for myself; rather, I fear I don't have what it takes to be a lawyer.

It's interesting that, in my dreams, I don't actually see the plane crash; I merely know with almost psychic certainty that the plane is going to crash. In reality, I am fearing the worse: that my dream of practicing law successfully will crash. Yet, will it? My dreams end before the plane crashes. Perhaps I'm telling myself, subconciously, that it need not crash. Perhaps my dreams are telling me not to fear something that may or may not happen. And I know these dreams are telling me that I must take this "flight" into a new career, despite my overwhelming fears.

A funny comment on Mac users

I have nothing against Apple computers or products; in fact, I hope to buy a Macbook someday soon. However, I know a number of "Mac-heads" who love to brag about their beloved Macs and ipods while they condemn PCs. I agree wholeheartedly with this funny comment on haughty Mac users. As a group, they really do need to get a life.

Girl Talk

Mom: How was daycare today? Did you have fun?
Makayla: Yes.
Mom: Did you have fun with Sara and Adam?
Makayla: Yes. Sara's funny.
Mom: How about George? Is George funny?
Makayla. No. He smells.

The Closest Thing to God's Love on Earth

I received a call from a former co-worker yesterday afternoon. She said she was on the way to the post office and, as she looked at her little boy, she thought, "I am so in love with this baby!" She said she had to call someone she thought would know what she was feeling.

I do know what she is feeling. A little over two years after my daughter's birth, I still find myself thinking, "I love this child so much!" She can drive me crazy sometimes and she can always make me laugh. She can go from happy to angry in a blink of an eye, leaving me and my husband scratching our heads. But I love that child with all my heart, no matter what she does or says or becomes. And that love I feel for her, by the mere thought of her, is one of only a few things on this earth that push me forward sometimes.

Parental love is something you can never comprehend until you have a child. And trying to describe it to someone who has never had a child is not an easy task. It is truly something you feel intensely yet cannot adequately describe in words.

I am currently in the middle of the book "The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness: Five Steps to Help Kids Create and Sustain Lifelong Joy" by Dr. Edward M. Hallowell. This book contains some of the best descriptions of parental love I have ever read. Dr. Hallowell is clearly a devoted parent who knows the power and intensity of parental love:

"When you allow yourself to love that much, knowing that someday you must say good-bye, when you show up, cheering and smiling and rooting for the good guys, all the while knowing that time is taking your children away from you and you away from your children, when even then you throw yourself into the moment and say, "I love you so much, I will not protect myself by holding back" - when you do that, you have won the greatest victory of all: you have not allowed time or pain or loss or death to keep you from loving and loving to the fullest that a human being can love.

"Over time the runaway bunny grows up. This is right and good and sweetly sad. When your child finally leaves home for college or a job or marriage, your heart does not break, as perhaps you once feared it would. Instead, it swells with pride, as you shed a tear. It makes sense, now, for this child who once was so little but now has grown tall, to go out into the wider world....

"When we have a child, we take a leap off a cliff into a magical air. We never stand on solid ground again...We learn fear that we've never known, joy that we've never felt, and uncertainty that knows no bounds. In that air we know the best in life, even if we collide at times with the worst.

"When you love a child, you transcend the worst that life has to offer. You stare it in the eye and say, 'Loving this child is better than anything bad you can throw at me.'

"For a moment you borrow God's tools and do God's work. Then God leaves you on your own, or so you often feel. But you are never alone. There are parents everywhere, and we all try to be there for one another. We all feel connected, whether we know one another or not."

Failure is always an option

I took my driving test today and failed. As soon as I saw that female state trooper - her face stern and unfriendly - I felt doomed to fail. She didn't crack a smile when I joked about her not having her seatbelt buckled, although I did get a chuckle from my husband. And, with failure firmly in my mind and driving in a daze, I apparently (I write "apparently" since I don't remember much about that moment) took a right hand turn at a red light without stopping.

I failed only because I made my mind up to do so. The state trooper said I was a fine driver and she would have passed me if I had not "blown the red light." She's confident that I will pass next time and, with my head in my hands, so am I.

Dance

I love songs that inspire and move me to be a better person or live my life in a positive way. One of these songs is "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. I recently added it to my ipod and listen to it on my way to work. The words express much of what I want my daughter to learn about life. I want her to live proactively, rather than passively, which is what I (regrettfully) have done during parts of my life. I do not want her to live life timidly, as I did when I was younger, but to live each day as if it were her last. I want her to dance, laugh, take risks, love openly, see the world with the eyes of a child, live with integrity and fearlessness.

I Hope You Dance - (by Lee Ann Womack)

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)