New Year, "New" Goals

I hate making New Year's Resolutions because I find I put so much pressure on myself at the beginning of the year that, by March, I'm so disappointed in myself that I binge and sit around in my PJs an entire weekend feeling sorry for myself. But, here we are again. A New Year screams out for new "resolutions." This year, I have made a list of new goals that I wish to accomplish, or at least begin the steps towards accomplishing in later years.

This year has been a big year, one of upheavel and major changes. My daughter's birth basically threw a wrench in my routine of regular sleep, daily trips to the gym and eating right. Furthermore, having her pushed all my goals for myself aside since this past year, all my focus has been on her. I wanted to cherish every moment of her first year, since my husband and I do not plan to have any more children. She will be my one and only baby and I didn't want to miss out on anything!

This year, I plan to take care of myself more, in addition to taking care of my family. After all, what good am I to my family if I'm not at my best - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally? With that in mind, here are my goals for 2006:

1. Physical: To get back to a workout routine that will enable me to lose the last 10-15 post-baby lbs.; to get back to a lifestyle of healthy eating.

2. Emotional: To take more time out for myself: go see a movie, go shopping or even read a book at a coffee shop; to take more time out to nurture my relationship with my husband and to focus on each other and not the baby; to take time to nurture my relationship with my daughter; to connect with more people in our community and possibly make new friends.

3. Spiritual: To start praying daily again and not just when I'm in distress; to read my Bible once per day; to read at least one book on spirituality; to develop the habit of meditation daily.

4. Mental: To "maintain" my legal education; to continue to educate myself on medicine in my spare time.

A long list with a lot of lofty goals but I hope to accomplish most of them. Wish me luck and a happy, healthy new year to everyone!

A Mother's Sad "Choice"

For the first three months of my daughter's life, I was fortunate enough to be there for her 24/7. My employers have been so compassionate and accommodating from the day of her birth. They gave me full-paid maternity leave for 3 months and allowed me to work from home 2 days of the week, still full-paid, for the months thereafter. When our daycare situation changed in her 5th month, they allowed me to work from home full-time - still paid - while I looked for alternate day care, which I found in her 7th month. Thereafter, they allowed me to go back to my schedule of 3 days at the office and 2 days at home.

My employers haven't said a thing about changing my schedule but, to show my gratitude for their kindness, my husband and I decided that I should go back to work full-time beginning January 2. I know it's the right thing to do and I can't expect my employers - who have been amazing through all of this - to continue to be so accommodating without some form of compensation from me. But it breaks my heart to think that I will only see my daughter briefly in the mornings while we rush her off to daycare on our way to work and at night, for maybe 2 hours, before her bedtime. I fear she will grow up without me and I'll miss all the important milestones she had yet to reach - her first step, her first sentence. I fear she will call her daycare provider "mommy" and that she'll start to view me as just another temporary care provider. But what choice do we have? We live in the most expensive city in the US and my husband's paycheck alone won't cover everything. Furthermore, I love where I work - my employers, my co-workers, the fact that I have my own office and we're located right in the heart of Boston. A part of me misses the 9-to-5 experience, the coming into work with coffee in hand, sitting in my office and checking my messages. But my desire to be the most influential and constant presence in my daughter's life far outweighs all that. It's such a difficult choice, one I have made with no shortage of tears.

A late Christmas present

I waited over 30 minutes for her but the specialist had good news...well, kinda. After reviewing my medical records and doing a physical exam, she explained that I was healthy...for now. She could not guarantee that I would not develop a chronic disease in the future. At first, I felt cheated, then relieved. I realized that this is life; nothing is guaranteed. What she said to me was true for everyone else. There are no guarantees in life in terms of its longevity. I was back to "square one," back to the place of unknowns and possibilities.

Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year!!

Makayla's First Picture with Santa Claus

She freaked out the minute we placed her on Santa's lap. Afterwards, she was all smiles.

From my family to yours, hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Year!

A big white lie

My mom's a worry wart. She's neurotic and anxious about the health and safety of all her chidren, and their children. That's the reason I wasn't allowed to go iceskating or skiing or do anything even remotely "dangerous" when I was a child. Needless to say, even as an adult, living independently from my parents, I still try to hide my ailments from my mother, desperately disguising any sniffles or coughs or hoarseness in my voice. So, when she asked about some bloodwork I had done at my annual physical, I had to lie and tell her everything was fine. I hate lying but I felt it necessary to lie to her to save my sanity. If she knew that my doctor's office had referred me to a specialist because of some abnormal results in my bloodwork, I would be subjected to the third degree and daily phone calls.

Besides, I don't need to worry about how this news will affect her; I have enough on my mind. I've been researching all the various diseases that may produce the values found in my blood and it's not looking good. I'm not worried; surprisingly, I'm not feeling anything about the matter right now. Don't get me wrong; the issue looms in the back of my mind throughout the day. I have started to think about the prospect of never seeing my daughter's 21st birthday but I feel no emotions about it. I know what the medical literature says about the significance of my blood results but I feel numb about it. I'm not scared. I think I'll put that off until I hear the doctor tell me that I have something that will significantly shorten my life. Like my husband says, "Don't kill yourself with worry because you might be completely healthy." So, for now, I'll pray and keep my faith in God and wait for whatever that specialist will tell me.

Our Charlie Brown Christmas Tree

Every year since our first year of marriage, Bob and I have always purchased a real tree for Christmas. The tree was usually a little under 6 feet tall, full and beautiful. This year, we have a baby to think about and, in the interest of safety, we decided to buy a smaller tree this year, one we could perch on a table and away from curious little hands. When I thought "small," I pictured a miniature version of trees of past Christmases. What my husband bought is the tree pictured here. We had a good laugh as he carried the thing, in one hand, to our car. We immediately christened it our "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree," reminiscent of that cartoon character's pathetic Christmas tree, a couple of ornaments hanging from two or three branches on a stick.

The gifts are piling up under our little tree and it makes me chuckle every time our daughter points at it and says something along the lines of "tee." I look at her staring at the thing, mouth wide open and a pudgy finger pointing. She seems so enchanted by it, even though it's such a sad little tree compared to the trees her father and I have had in the past. It's her very first Christmas tree and to her it's beautiful. I suppose, in that case, it'll do.

What the @%$& is that?!

In the morning rush to get ready for work, my husband and I usually plop Makayla down to watch a few minutes of TV while we get dressed. The only show on around that time is "Boohbah," which seems to be geared towards toddlers. For anyone who has not watched this show, it's difficult to describe. The only way I can think to describe it is this: it's a "dumbed-down" version of the Teletubbies. How can they dumb down something like the Teletubbies? Well, they did it.

Boohbahs include five colourful blobs that, my husband says, look like a part of the anatomy of an unfortunate man. They make weird, unintelligible sounds, dance, fall down and shift their eyes around in a creepy way.

The show also includes a clip called "Look what I can do!" where a child moves around a magical, lit-up circle. The child sometimes does a weird hokey-pokey or throws her arms up repeatedly or even marches with a limp around the perimeter of this circle. This goes on for at least five minutes. Even my daughter, at almost 11 months, gets bored with this part of the show.

Another part of the show includes members of a strange family, none of whom resemble each other (ex. a Caucasian brother with an asain sister.) One or two members of this family are seen in a wide, open field, encountering strange things such as giant flowers in a vase or a huge pile of bananas. Each member of this family has a creepy smile, one that never leaves their face even if they get thrown down by the giant flowers or "fight" over the pile of bananas.

The half-hour show includes only a handful of real words (as opposed to made up words uttered by the Boohbahs.) It has no educational value and is only mildly entertaining for my daughter. So, why do I let my her watch this crap? It affords me time to throw my work clothes on and pack our lunches. I try not to leave the show on for the entire half hour, partly because I don't think it educates her but also because those Kool-aid coloured blobs creep the bejeezus out of me.

Is that normal?

I ask my friends if the things I do are "normal" and they often laugh, some nervously. For example, sometimes, when I'm walking out in public, I remember something funny - a joke or something that happened to me - and I laugh out loud. I don't mean a little chuckle or a quiet smile; I laugh like I'm at the Comedy Connection. Sometimes, after I realize that I'm out in public by myself or with someone who doesn't know what I'm laughing at, I usually get strange looks. Is that normal? Is it normal to laugh out loud at an inside joke when it's an inside joke you have only with yourself?

Is it normal to feel naked without socks, pulled so tight that you can almost see your toes through the fabric? Or to clap and literally shriek with excitement (sounds like "weeeeee") as you're leaving work because it's the end of the workday? Is it normal to know every line of every episode of the Golden Girls when you're not a retiree?

Normal or not, that's me. Unfortunately.

Getting into the Christmas Spirit

Despite all the negative buzz on "Christmas" vs. "Holiday," I'm looking forward to finally getting into the spirit of the season: the decorations, tree, presents, candy canes and gingerbread houses. This Christmas is even more special because it's Makayla's first. Having a child has awaken a desire to rekindle the magic of the season that only children seem to experience. I want her to believe in Santa and to experience the excitement and anticipation that comes with Christmas morning. I want her Christmases to be filled with all the rituals: getting her picture taken with Santa, writing him a letter, decorating the tree and building a gingerbread house.

She'll be too young to remember any of it but I can't wait for Christmas morning when she'll crawl towards the tree, pull her talking Winnie the Pooh doll out the bag and play with the bag. I know she'll be more interested in the wrappping paper and boxes than the actual gifts but, when she's older, she can look at the pictures of that day and laugh.

More sleep deprivation

Makayla's been sick. Another cold and, now, a cough. The past few nights have been harder than usual: I do not get more than an hour's sleep at a time. Instead of solid 4 hour blocks of sleep, I am now getting 45 minutes to an hour of sleep over a period of 7-8 hours. Needless to say, I'm walking around like a zombie. To make matters worse, I can't drink any caffeinated beverages since I'm still nursing. I don't need her wired on coffee too! It's bad enough she wakes me up crying, coughing, making choking sounds or a combination of all three.

I keep reminding myself that "this too shall pass." She won't be this young forever. And when she hits her teens, wearing make-up and asking me to drop her off a few blocks from school so her friends won't see me, I'll remember those precious moments so early in the morning when she wanted nothing but having me close to her. So, as sleep-deprived as I am, I cherish every waking minute.

Fear Factor

When I was 9 years old, I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer when I grew up and at the age of 11, with my life goal in mind, I decided to research law schools. I naturally wanted to get into the best law school in Canada. After researching reference books and asking teachers and other professionals, I learned that the best and most respected law school in Canada was McGill University in Montreal.

After high school and four years of college, I succeed at reaching my goal. I was among 50 students accepted into the National Programme - Common Law section at McGill University. At freshman orientation, we were told that we were chosen from over 1,500 applicants from around the world. I couldn't believe my luck and felt so privileged to be among the chosen few. And with this sense of gratitude, I was blinded from the fact that I hated law school. In retrospect, I knew that first semester. I grew depressed but chalked it up to homesickness. My depression eventually stifled my desire to learn.

I graduated from law school without my usual effort and passion for learning. I really do not know how I survived but I did. I did my articles and did all the things that lawyers did - went to court, attended pre-trial meetings, met with clients, produced complaints, briefs and memoranda of law - but found myself disillusioned with the whole profession. I wanted to become a lawyer to help people but I felt that I was helping the wrong people. Looking back, my dissatisfaction was firmly rooted in fear.

In past few months, my husband and I have been making preparations for a move back to Canada. When we return, I will return to the practice of law, albeit in a different field. With the thought of practicing law comes that familiar fear - fear of disappointing clients, fear of dissatisfaction, fear of financial ruin but most of all FEAR OF FAILURE. All of us fear the unknown and before we attempt any big task, we fear failure: humiliating failure. With the prospect of practicing an area of law in which I have very little experience, I fear that I may not have "what it takes" to make it as a lawyer. The fear of failure has once again come into my line of vision. But, the other day, I found this following inspirational quote. It helped put everything into perspective and it gives me a little confidence to walk out into the unknown, knowing that many before me have failed miserably but learned to get up, dust themselves off and try again.

Go For It-and Keep Going…
· Thomas Edison tried 10,000 times before the light bulb worked.
· Henry Ford went bankrupt three times before succeeding.
· R.H. Macy failed several times before his department store took off.
· John Creasey got 753 rejection letters before he got through to a publisher for his first work. He then published 564 books.
· Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times, but he also hit 714 Home Runs.
· Albert Einstein’s teacher told this to his father: “It doesn’t matter what he does, because he will never accomplish anything in life.”
· When Bob Dylan performed at a high school talent show, his classmates booed him off the stage.
· After Fred Astaire’s first screen test, a 1933 memo from the MGM testing director said, “Can’t act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.” Astaire kept that memo over the fireplace in his Beverly Hills home.
· When Vince Lombardi had dreams to become a football coach, a football expert told him- “You possess minimal football knowledge. You also lack motivation. You will never make it as an NFL head coach.”
· Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper for lacking creative ideas. He also went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland.
· Beethoven handled the violin awkwardly and preferred playing his own compositions instead of improving his technique. His instructor called him hopeless as a composer.
· Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team at the beginning of his sophomore year.
· “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. I have been trusted to take the game-winning shot at the end of the game- and missed 26 times! I’ve failed over and over and over in my life. That is why I succeed!” Michael Jordan
Winners fail all the time. They just don't stop at failure.They go for it, and then just keep going until they succeed.