Can you have a relationship without trust?
I have a good friend who has been dating a woman for over 6 years. They live together and have two kids. They are a typical couple, with the ups and downs of any relationship. They had been experiencing a rough patch in recent months, fighting more often than they used to. Then my friend found chat logs between his girlfriend and another man which contained some sexually charged chats. His girlfriend had apparently made plans to meet with her chat friend. He was devastated, shocked, and most of all, extremely disappointed. He confronted her about the chats and she was angry that he had violated her privacy. When he threatened to leave, she broke down and admitted only to chatting with the other man but denied that she was ever going to meet with him. She told him that she liked to take on different personas online, pretending to be different people online. She was bored at home with the kids and found it entertaining to "mess" with the minds of complete strangers. She professed her love for my friend and resolved never to chat with anyone online again, even regarding innocent topics. They eventually worked things out but my friend still has a difficult time trusting his girlfriend. He loves her but cannot trust her.
My friend came to me with this problem: how can I begin to trust her? How can I trust someone who has such an amazing ability to lie to other people? I couldn't find an answer for him. All relationships are built on trust. You trust that the other person is being truthful with you about themselves. You trust that what the other person is telling you is the absolute truth and you take them at their word, always. But if that other person has proven herself as an adept liar, can she be trusted? She might say she is only lying to people she doesn't know or care about. She might be telling you, "Honey, I only lie to them, but I will never lie to you." Is that itself a lie? When someone has shown herself to be skillful liar, with no conscience for the consequences of her lies, whatever they may be, then I don't think she can be trusted. If she finds it so easy to lie to them, she will lie to you, too.
The only advice I could give my friend is to be on guard. Don't allow her to guilt you into trusting her again. Trust is earned, by each confirmed truth, each undeniable consequence. In time, I hope you can trust her again, for the sake of your relationship and your family.
My friend came to me with this problem: how can I begin to trust her? How can I trust someone who has such an amazing ability to lie to other people? I couldn't find an answer for him. All relationships are built on trust. You trust that the other person is being truthful with you about themselves. You trust that what the other person is telling you is the absolute truth and you take them at their word, always. But if that other person has proven herself as an adept liar, can she be trusted? She might say she is only lying to people she doesn't know or care about. She might be telling you, "Honey, I only lie to them, but I will never lie to you." Is that itself a lie? When someone has shown herself to be skillful liar, with no conscience for the consequences of her lies, whatever they may be, then I don't think she can be trusted. If she finds it so easy to lie to them, she will lie to you, too.
The only advice I could give my friend is to be on guard. Don't allow her to guilt you into trusting her again. Trust is earned, by each confirmed truth, each undeniable consequence. In time, I hope you can trust her again, for the sake of your relationship and your family.
posted by Margie at 9:41 AM
1 Comments:
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