Can you have a relationship without trust?

I have a good friend who has been dating a woman for over 6 years. They live together and have two kids. They are a typical couple, with the ups and downs of any relationship. They had been experiencing a rough patch in recent months, fighting more often than they used to. Then my friend found chat logs between his girlfriend and another man which contained some sexually charged chats. His girlfriend had apparently made plans to meet with her chat friend. He was devastated, shocked, and most of all, extremely disappointed. He confronted her about the chats and she was angry that he had violated her privacy. When he threatened to leave, she broke down and admitted only to chatting with the other man but denied that she was ever going to meet with him. She told him that she liked to take on different personas online, pretending to be different people online. She was bored at home with the kids and found it entertaining to "mess" with the minds of complete strangers. She professed her love for my friend and resolved never to chat with anyone online again, even regarding innocent topics. They eventually worked things out but my friend still has a difficult time trusting his girlfriend. He loves her but cannot trust her.

My friend came to me with this problem: how can I begin to trust her? How can I trust someone who has such an amazing ability to lie to other people? I couldn't find an answer for him. All relationships are built on trust. You trust that the other person is being truthful with you about themselves. You trust that what the other person is telling you is the absolute truth and you take them at their word, always. But if that other person has proven herself as an adept liar, can she be trusted? She might say she is only lying to people she doesn't know or care about. She might be telling you, "Honey, I only lie to them, but I will never lie to you." Is that itself a lie? When someone has shown herself to be skillful liar, with no conscience for the consequences of her lies, whatever they may be, then I don't think she can be trusted. If she finds it so easy to lie to them, she will lie to you, too.

The only advice I could give my friend is to be on guard. Don't allow her to guilt you into trusting her again. Trust is earned, by each confirmed truth, each undeniable consequence. In time, I hope you can trust her again, for the sake of your relationship and your family.

When love hurts

Makayla on her "Dora the Explorer" flip-out sofa. She loves this sofa, which she sits on while she watches the Wiggles and "reads" her books.

Makayla and her blocks.

Makayla riding the little fire truck at the mall.


Love is a wonderful thing: it is the most powerful force in this world and we have never fully lived until we have loved. One of the most intense (if not THE most intense) form of love is maternal love. Often, that love comes with overwhelming joy and pride in my little girl. One smile, one giggle from her melts any anger I feel toward the world. Other times, looking at her pictures makes me cry. I really can't put a finger on what exactly makes me cry at those moments. I think it's a combination of things: I feel so guilty missing so much of her every day life because I'm at work; I feel as though I haven't given her enough of myself whenever I do spend time with her; I just want her to have the best of everything and fear that I won't be able to do that. I love this child so much, I don't want to fail her in any way. And the thought that I might do that, because of some decision I have made or have yet to make, makes me cry. It hurts to think of her getting less than the best of everything, including myself, yet I know I can only do my best to be the best mother to my beloved child. Love is a wonderful thing, but sometimes it's so intense, it hurts.

Beautiful Baby

(At left, Makayla at one week old).

Baby Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt's photos were published recently by People magazine. Despite the threat of legal action, the photos remain online at this website. From the moment that child was conceived, the media speculated at how she would look and when she finally arrived, she was described as "beautiful" by supposed third parties who had seen her after her birth.

Unlike my husband, I believe every baby is cute. I laugh at the "Seinfeld" episode where Jerry and Elaine were appalled at the sight of one of their friends' baby, one described by the child's
pediatrician as "breathetaking." (He also used the word to describe Elaine, who felt insulted being framed in the same light as the baby). And like the mother in that episode, I believe my own baby is beautiful. What mother doesn't behold her child as the most beautiful child on earth? Indeed, it is scientifically proven that the process of childbirth releases chemicals into the mother's brain that produces feelings similar to the feelings of "falling in love." And when you're in love, you mistake each pimple for a dimple. Besides, who can help but fall in love with a newborn baby? The small fingers and toes, softest skin, the eyes empty of guile, and the promise of a brand new life?

I think baby Shiloh is cute but so are the vast majority of babies. I think her "cuteness quotient" is raised in proportion to her parents' comeliness. Did anyone doubt that those two would produce a child who was less than "beautiful"? Unlikely.